


Felis Catus Infantus. Or something.

by queerlyobscure (softestpunk)



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Gen, Kittens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-12
Updated: 2012-05-12
Packaged: 2017-11-05 05:18:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/402845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softestpunk/pseuds/queerlyobscure
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kitten fic with no purpose. You have been warned. Takes place during the Starbug, hard-light-Rimmer era because I can remember it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Felis Catus Infantus. Or something.

A kitten wasn't the strangest thing Rimmer had seen his shipmate holding, so when Lister walked into Starbug's mess room with one, he paid it no special notice.

“I think The Cat is a cat.”

“Lister, I know things come to you slowly, but have you really just noticed? I'd have thought the fact that you've been calling him “Cat” for years would have clued you in.”

“No, I mean I think he's turned into a cat-cat. Kitten. Whatever.”

Rimmer looked carefully at the sleek black kitten Lister was holding. He supposed it was possible, and again, not the strangest thing he'd heard.

“And what makes you think that The Cat has done the evolutionary equivalent of belly-flop overnight?”

“I found him curled up in a platform boot. He wouldn't let go when I tried to pick him up. Had to pry his little claws out of the vinyl.”

“And this is your only evidence, is it?”

“Holly says this is him. But I thought the boot was more conclusive.”

“You're not wrong, you know.” Rimmer considered the situation for a moment. “Let's say, for the sake of argument, that you're right – don't you think you ought to put him down before he claws you to death?”

“Aww, he wouldn't do that, would you?” Lister held the kitten up to his nose. It glared at him as only kittens can do. “Maybe you're right. I'll go get him a saucer of milk or somethin'.”

Rimmer followed Lister into the kitchen. “Okay, question two – why have we suddenly got a considerably more feline crew member than we did yesterday?”

“Dunno. Wonder if any of that junk we picked up from that derelict a couple 'a days back had anything to do with it. Some of that stuff was a complete mystery to me.” Lister set out a saucer on the bench and filled it with what used to be milk, but was now more like a poorly made yoghurt. The kitten sniffed it once and then wisely backed away.

“Many things are a complete mystery to you. And yet somehow I get the feeling you're going to be right about this.”

“'Course I am. Can't be anything else, can it?”

“I suppose this is the kind of thing we should try to reverse, isn't it?”

“Yeah. We need to figure out what did it first.”

In a show of impeccable timing, Kryten chose that moment to enter to room.

“Hello sirs, I was just coming to tell you about- is that The Cat?”

“That's the theory we're operating under. How did you know?” Rimmer asked, absently scratching the tiny kitten's ear.

“Well sir, I found this.” Kryten produced and object which looked like a pocket mirror and handed it to Lister. “On the floor next to a pile of stylish clothing. It's a-” There was a bright flash of light and Lister disappeared from view.

Rimmer peered over the counter to see a tiny, fluffy grey kitten looking up at him, standing in a pile of the clothes Lister had been wearing.

“It's a shape-shifting device, sir,” Kryten continued to tell Rimmer as though nothing had happened. He bent down to pick up the grey kitten and hand it to the slightly stunned hologram. “Apparently it's set to turn people into immature felines. Aren't they adorable, sir?”

Rimmer looked at the tiny kitten he had been handed. “Quite. How do we get them back?”

“I don't know yet. I haven't had time to look at the device.”

“Not that I care, but being cats for a while won't do them any harm, will it?”

“I shouldn't think so, sir. But I'll get to work on getting them back right away, just in case. You'll be all right looking after them for a while, won't you?”

“Why not? How hard can it be to look after two little tiny kittens?”

“That's the spirit, sir!” Kryten picked up the device and exited the kitchen, leaving Rimmer alone with his charges.

“Now, we're all going to get along just fine, aren't we?”

***

“KRYTEN!” The shout echoed throughout the shuttle. Kryten entered the kitchen to find it in a bigger mess than he'd even seen, including after any of Lister's attempts at cooking anything more complicated than toast.

“Mister Rimmer, what's going on?”

Rimmer was standing in the corner, and combination of terror and fury on his face. “Them.” He pointed at the two kittens sitting innocently on the bench.

“I find it hard to believe that these two cute little kitties made all this mess, sir.”

“You weren't here, were you? No. You were off fixing that thing.” Rimmer pointed at the device in Kryten's hand. “You didn't see what I saw.”

“Well sir...” Kryten looked around at the general state of disarray in the kitchen. “Perhaps you should move these two into the mess room, while I finish making adjustments on this.” He held up the device. “It's not safe for little ones in here.”

Rimmer scooped up one kitten in each hand and held them at eye level. “I am not going to forget this. There is enough fur on you two to make a pair of slippers, you know.” The two kittens resolutely ignored him as he carried them into the mess room.

***

“I think I have this set correctly now, sir.” Kryten held up the pocket-mirror look-a-like triumphantly. “Who should we start with?”

Rimmer selected the grey, fluffy kitten from the line up of two, who had been behaving well in what he was sure was an attempt to make him look like an idiot.

“We'll do Lister first. We need The Cat to pilot the ship.”

“Oh, don't worry, sir – I'm sure this will be perfectly safe,” Kryten reassured as he pointed the device at the grey kitten. One flash of light later, and a full-sized Lister stood on the table in the mess room. Completely naked.

“You couldn't have put me on the floor first, could ya?” He complained as he climbed down. Kryten handed him a bath robe.

“Perhaps we should set Mister Cat down first, then.” Kryten picked up the shiny black kitten and set it on the floor. A second flash of light later, and the cat was The Cat again. Kryten produced a second bath robe for the newly transformed crew member – this one somewhat nicer than Lister's, incidentally.

“Well, that was an adventure.” Lister said cheerfully, scratching at his head.

“Adventure? You tortured me for an hour, and then just to make me look stupid you behaved like an angel when your robotic nursemaid turned up again. You will pay for- will you stop scratching your head?”

Kryten peered at Lister for a moment before picking something off his robe and holding it up. “It would appear that Mister Lister has fleas.”

“Serves him right. I hope he dies of plague.”

“Dies?!?” The Cat, who had also been scratching, joined in the conversation.

“I think that's highly unlikely, sir. But you will need to go to the decontamination room.”

“I hate the decontamination room.” Lister whined.

“Oh don't be a baby, Lister.” Rimmer grinned. “It'll only be for an hour or so.”

“I hate you.”


End file.
